The Way I Feel Is Inevitable

Before the start of my sophomore year of High School, I told myself that this would be my year. The year where I would be more outspoken, and show others that in one summer I had transformed into this confident lady.  But the truth was, I just wanted to prove to myself that I could be like everyone else: have an opinion, be heard, get noticed.  Because in reality, I did not have anyone to prove this new and glorious self to.  If I was not heard or noticed the year before, how could my fellow sophomore class know that my quiet and dry personality had evolved exponentially?

The first step was to participate in class more.  However, that did not work out so well.  This is because in all of my classes, I had no idea what was going on.  Every question that the teacher asked, I had no idea how to answer it.  If I did, there was always someone else who would speak up before me and steal my answer! (because mind-readers exist).  Or, if I did know the answer, I would end up being wrong.  For example, in one of my classes we were playing Jeopardy.  A question was stated and I knew the answer!  This was it, I would win it for my team and get noticed, be seen.  I shot up my hand so hard into the air that my desk fell forward, taking me with it, and I hit the ground with a huge “thud.”  Everyone looked at me, waiting for my answer, not caring that I had just flipped over in my desk.  I answered the game question, which ended up being wrong.  Moral of the story: Don’t participate in class.

Second semester of sophomore year, I decided to tryout for the school’s dance team.  The dance team was filled with popular girls and because I made it, I thought I had become one.  But I was just seen as the extra dancer in the back.  And in the dance team yearbook photo, everyone’s name was printed under the group picture, except mine.  I took it personally, but I guess I wasn’t that hurt about it.

As High School continued, so did I.  But this time I stopped trying to prove things.  Instead, I just went through the motions.  Not because I believe you don’t always have to prove something to yourself or others, but because others could sense when you’re trying too hard.  It’s like everyone is Spider-Man and has their spidey-senses tingling.  High School is a time where everyone wants to fit it, and I was trying so hard to fit in everywhere.  I was trying to be like everyone else, and wasn’t getting anywhere.  So might as well stay unnoticed, but as me.


How To Fail At Everything

A day in my life.  Today: Septemeber 15th, 2015.

I woke up.

I went to work.

I was verbally abused by an 8 year old (tried disciplining him, but got “cursed” at in the end (with off brand curse words an 8 year old is “allowed” to use appropriately).

I drove to 4 Starbucks’s after work so I could study…they were all full.

Bought myself a sub sandwich when I shouldn’t have…

I waited in my car at a parking lot before dance class started, and this girl next to me, opens her door, and hits the side of my car.  I walk out so she could see me, but she starts smoking weed and drives off.  Now I have a scratch on the side of my car.

The End

Overthinking: Good or Bad?

Just a little update on where I’ve been, other than stressing over the fact that I’m trying to find myself a full time job, because I want those benefits, man!  Recently I blogged about leaving an interview unsatisfied with my performance.  Turns out, I was overthinking it, because I got the part time job!!  I’m totally stoked, and after after the fact, I now see that I had nothing to worry about.  Talk about an ego boost.  But now I’m overthinking the way I’m thinking.

Is it bad that I’m telling myself “see, you had nothing to worry about,” because I got the job, when in that moment when I left the interview, I was totally beating myself down?  I know it seems like I’ll never be happy, but I want to be there for myself.  I want to be there not only when something good happens, but also when something bad happens.  I want to make sure that I can tell myself “you have nothing to worry about,” or “everything is going to be okay,” even when I feel (or it seems) like it’s not going to be, and believe it.  Overthinking things can be good or bad.  It’s there so I can be dramatic about my life, and practice “the struggle” for when I get my own reality TV show.  But honestly, I hope that one day, with my ability to overthink things, I can keep up the confidence in myself to be successful in anything I do.

After The Fact

I went to an interview at the beginning of the week, and of course they ask me a question where my answer left me uneasy and unsatisfied. They asked “What is one thing you know more about than anyone else?” Of course my answer was lame (and I do not wish to repeat it, because I am so embarrassed).

A week later, I’m still thinking about that question, and NOW I have an answer that showcases my interests and who I am. It is the most perfect and truest answer: “I know a lot about at-home facials and how to create a skincare routine, than anyone else.” BAM! That would’ve made me stand out, and be unforgettable. Now I AM, forgettable, and I just blend in with everyone else.

“Oh Lord, Know Yourself, Know Your Worth…”

Beside 0 to 100’s opening line being profoundly deep, it really is difficult to know one’s own self and one’s own worth.  I’m pretty sure that we can all agree that ohhhh Lawd, the journey to reaching that point when we realize who we truly are, and are happy with that, is rough.  I’m still trying to reach that point, if there ever is an end to this madness.  I hope so.  I reaaaally hope so.

It’s like I find ways to remind myself just how werrrthy I am, and that I should be confident in myself.  For example, a week ago (no, no shmoney dance) the team I had danced with for a whole year had their banquet.  We were each given back the letter we had written to ourselves at our first meeting.  When I opened up the letter, I just laughed.  It was ridiculous and cheesy!  But I decided to keep it.  I still have the letter, because a tiny tiny part of me wants to believe in it.  I want to trust in the “words of wisdom” I gave to myself on that very first day, even though I might’ve not believed in them then, but hoped I would now.

It’s like I already know myself, and my worth.  It’s like subconsciously I am aware of it, and my conscious self just has to find it.  Woah…talk about meta!

Current Mood: Afraid

I am afraid of leaving my friends, known places, and familiar feelings, because I fear of being uncomfortable.  I am afraid of loss and change, because I fear instability, chaos, and the unknown.  Dang, just call me one big scaredy cat!

I have established a life (let’s be real…a “social” life) here in Southern California, which makes it harder on me whenever I consider leaving it.  I want to leave and experience everything!  I know that I am young, and I understand that there is a bigger world outside of my little world that I live in right now.  However, I continuously find myself in one place, attached to this comfortable community.

Let’s be real, making new friends at this age is kinda tough, which can go under cons on my “If I Were to Leave SoCal” list.  I am told that I should travel.  I should live in different parts of the country.  I should (blank) because I can, and I can always come back.  I don’t have any commitments, or any real long-term goals here in SoCal, but there is one thing that I just can’t escape.  And that is change.

It’s odd that I’ll allow myself to change and grow as a person.  But it makes me sad at the idea of others evolving and growing into all that they can be, without me.  I just don’t want to miss out on what my friends and I can learn with one another.  And for some reason, if I stay, we can continue to grow in experience and in age, together.

Maybe it’s a part of growing up, maybe it’s a part of life, but we are always wanting to improve our experiences, and travel to new places.  I am scared that if I leave, there won’t be anyone beside me who truly understands the emotions that come with growing up.  I know that we cannot be together forever, but I don’t want to lose the connection with my friends, and I don’t want to lose that support.

In order to get a better idea of who I am and what I want out of life, I’ll eventually have to leave the place where I am most comfortable.  It’s scary, and I’ll admit that I’m one big scaredy cat!  But from what I’ve heard “your life begins, where your comfort zone ends,” and my first step to making that happen is embracing what scares me, and walk through the door.

Technology and Chain Letters

The dance team I am on hosts an annual Cabin Trip.  At this Cabin Trip, we exchange gifts with our Secret Cabin Buddy.  This game is eerily similar to the game Secret Santa.  On the day of the big reveal, my Secret Cabin Buddy got me incense, my favorite candy, a sweater, and last but not least, Chromecast.  Which was a big “ooo” and “aaaah” moment.  I said “ooo” and “aaaah” just to belong…but to be honest, I had the slightest idea as to what this Chromecast was.  I’ll have you all know, I am technologically challenged.  I can’t even figure out how to work a DVD player, let alone turn on the tv.  But some how the 4 year old that I babysit does…

My Secret Cabin Buddy tried to explain to me the purpose of Chromecast and all the cool things it can do.  Don’t get me wrong, it sounds amazing!  But I was so not into it when he was explaining how it works, because I was already dreading the installation process of that thing…and SPOILER ALERT: I tried installing it and everything went wrong.  I think I did it half correct, but I haven’t tried using it since February.  This is because I’m scared I won’t be able to figure it out, and I might just curl up into a ball and start crying, while gently rocking myself to sleep.  Sooo basically, I’ve just given up.

It’s like this one time, at band camp…jk, but seriously…this one time, when I was about 8 or 9 years old, my cousin gave me a chain letter.  (Now mind you, this was before email, so this was a hand written chain letter).  I didn’t understand what the heck a chain letter was, yet alone the meaning of the word “chain,” and the whole big symbol it represented in its actual name: “chain letter.”  I was so confused when my cousin explained it to me.  So confused, that I literally ran into the other room, laid down on the couch, and cried.  Yes, I cried!  I cried holding that measly paper in my hand.  The letter that I was supposed to copy (or re-write) and pass forward to a specific number of people.  I’ve never felt such a low in my self-esteem and self-confidence before.  Well, I can seriously share multiple instances when I’ve felt that way, but that’s for another time.  To complete the story (if you’re really wondering how it ended), I never continued the chain letter.

The story above depicts how I feel every single time I come face-to-face with technology.  Any type of technology.  We don’t have to get specific, because it’s technology as a whole that I just don’t understand.  I’m not even the most basic when it comes to being tech-savvy.  I just can’t.

Current Mood: Laughter

I like it when I make people laugh.

It makes me feel good knowing I’m responsible for making others feel good.  At the same time, those peoples’ laughter feed into my ego.  I really start to think that I’m actually a funny person (not funny looking, but I’ll give you that one).  But am I really?  Should I try hard to be “funnier” (under the impression that I am, at least, a little funny already).

There are multiple instances when I just don’t see it. For example, on a regular basis people laugh at what I say and I’m just like, “That wasn’t meant to be funny” (but I say that in my head, of course).  By all means, laugh!  Please.  I don’t want to ruin the mood.  Plus, I’m trying to soak up every opportunity I get, whether or not what comes out of my mouth was actually supposed cause laughter.  I myself enjoy laughing, so I don’t want to make it stop.  I especially love laughing because I know the harder I laugh, the closer I am to getting those rock hard abs.

Now I’m really worried…Could it be that I’m not funny at all, and I just so happen to come across people with a really bad sense of humor?  At certain points in my life, when others start laughing at me (or with me? I always forget which one you want to have), I start to think that they’re only laughing because their humor might be off…which makes it appear that my humor might be on…? Omg, this concern is so petty.  I even blabbled about it for so long too.  Is this something that I can consider one of life’s dilemmas?  Am I allowed to have these feelings?  Is this what people mean about having low self-esteem?  I’m starting to lose all confidence in myself.  What is life?  Who am I??