The Way I Feel Is Inevitable

Before the start of my sophomore year of High School, I told myself that this would be my year. The year where I would be more outspoken, and show others that in one summer I had transformed into this confident lady.  But the truth was, I just wanted to prove to myself that I could be like everyone else: have an opinion, be heard, get noticed.  Because in reality, I did not have anyone to prove this new and glorious self to.  If I was not heard or noticed the year before, how could my fellow sophomore class know that my quiet and dry personality had evolved exponentially?

The first step was to participate in class more.  However, that did not work out so well.  This is because in all of my classes, I had no idea what was going on.  Every question that the teacher asked, I had no idea how to answer it.  If I did, there was always someone else who would speak up before me and steal my answer! (because mind-readers exist).  Or, if I did know the answer, I would end up being wrong.  For example, in one of my classes we were playing Jeopardy.  A question was stated and I knew the answer!  This was it, I would win it for my team and get noticed, be seen.  I shot up my hand so hard into the air that my desk fell forward, taking me with it, and I hit the ground with a huge “thud.”  Everyone looked at me, waiting for my answer, not caring that I had just flipped over in my desk.  I answered the game question, which ended up being wrong.  Moral of the story: Don’t participate in class.

Second semester of sophomore year, I decided to tryout for the school’s dance team.  The dance team was filled with popular girls and because I made it, I thought I had become one.  But I was just seen as the extra dancer in the back.  And in the dance team yearbook photo, everyone’s name was printed under the group picture, except mine.  I took it personally, but I guess I wasn’t that hurt about it.

As High School continued, so did I.  But this time I stopped trying to prove things.  Instead, I just went through the motions.  Not because I believe you don’t always have to prove something to yourself or others, but because others could sense when you’re trying too hard.  It’s like everyone is Spider-Man and has their spidey-senses tingling.  High School is a time where everyone wants to fit it, and I was trying so hard to fit in everywhere.  I was trying to be like everyone else, and wasn’t getting anywhere.  So might as well stay unnoticed, but as me.


I wish I was a kid again.  I wish I was still cute and never lost interest in wearing sparkly and brightly colored shoes.  I wish I still had that no care attitude, and that imagination that told me I can be and do whatever I want.  I wish I was still bliss with ignorance, and I wish I still had that want and fascination to know what the world can offer me.  However, I do not wish to be a kid all the time, because I don’t wish to still have a bedtime.  Let it be known, I love my sleep.  I sleep at every chance I get, but I don’t know how much I would like it if someone still told me that I had to go to bed at a certain time.

My Emotions

The summer began with the attendance of two graduations.  My brother graduated from High School, and my sister graduated from college.  It makes me want to cry, seeing all these graduates and knowing that a new part of their lives are about to begin.  And because my siblings are a part of this class of 2015, it makes me want to cry even more.  I am so proud, excited, and scared for both my siblings!

I don’t usually express my emotions.  Or rather, show them publicly.  But if that rare moment occurs, it usually doesn’t go so well (that’s usually because I become a hot mess, the situation becomes somewhat awkward, and others don’t know how to react because the occasion is so rare).  Even when I dance, I’m always told to perform more in my face.

I mean, I don’t even like to hug people.  I don’t even express myself through the most simple expression of trust and intimacy (did you know that a hug releases 5% of stress?  They don’t say whether it has to be a good or bad hug, so I’m assuming all hugs in general release dopamine.  There is no prejudice.  Man, maybe this is why I’m such a miserable person.  My friend did tell me that she felt I have been a miserable old lady since I was 5…I need to hug!).  I just want to be clear though, I do hug people because everyone does it.  But if I did not conform to social norms, and I was confident in the choices I made, rather than being self-conscious that whatever it is I want to do is looked down upon, or deemed awkward and weird, by my millennials, and the society I live in today, I would freely choose not to greet with hugs.  Rather, I would greet and send people off with high fives!

Even though crying is a little bit different than giving hugs, they kinda have the same purpose.  They’re used to release stress and/or happiness.  They’re used to show a form of vulnerability and intimacy.  They’re used to express one’s feelings, and they’re used every day.

Now I feel like I have to justify myself.  Just because I don’t like to physically express my emotions openly, does not mean that I am not an emotional person.  In my daily soul searching struggle (ah, was that just an example of alliteration?), I find myself to be a very sympathetic and even empathetic person.  It’s just easier for me to contain my emotions whenever I feel like crying in public.  I personally feel like crying shows weakness.  Or maybe I just care way too much about what others think.  Or maybe I’ve given myself that excuse for so long that I’ve trained myself to stop myself before letting anything happen.

For example, my sister is moving away to New York.  Not for college, but to start a new life.  This past Monday was her graduation day.  It would be the last time I would see her before she moved off to New York the following weekend.  I told her how proud of her I am.  I told her that I wanted to cry and that I would miss her.  I mentioned that I wanted to cry, because I wanted her to know how sincere my feelings were at that moment.  Coincidently, as I said those words, I felt a soreness in my throat developing.  It was the feeling of my tears crawling up as I was trying to suppress them before they burst out of my eyes.  I subconsciously told them to stop, and the tears were soon under control.  Unlike how I said I was going to, I did not cry.  I stopped myself from crying in front of my own sister.

Sometimes I feel like what I say isn’t validated until I show it.  Without a doubt, my sister knew that my words were honest.  But no matter how much I wanted to cry, I did not.  I just wish I did because rather than telling her, or having her know my feelings, I wanted to show them.

Current Mood: Afraid

I am afraid of leaving my friends, known places, and familiar feelings, because I fear of being uncomfortable.  I am afraid of loss and change, because I fear instability, chaos, and the unknown.  Dang, just call me one big scaredy cat!

I have established a life (let’s be real…a “social” life) here in Southern California, which makes it harder on me whenever I consider leaving it.  I want to leave and experience everything!  I know that I am young, and I understand that there is a bigger world outside of my little world that I live in right now.  However, I continuously find myself in one place, attached to this comfortable community.

Let’s be real, making new friends at this age is kinda tough, which can go under cons on my “If I Were to Leave SoCal” list.  I am told that I should travel.  I should live in different parts of the country.  I should (blank) because I can, and I can always come back.  I don’t have any commitments, or any real long-term goals here in SoCal, but there is one thing that I just can’t escape.  And that is change.

It’s odd that I’ll allow myself to change and grow as a person.  But it makes me sad at the idea of others evolving and growing into all that they can be, without me.  I just don’t want to miss out on what my friends and I can learn with one another.  And for some reason, if I stay, we can continue to grow in experience and in age, together.

Maybe it’s a part of growing up, maybe it’s a part of life, but we are always wanting to improve our experiences, and travel to new places.  I am scared that if I leave, there won’t be anyone beside me who truly understands the emotions that come with growing up.  I know that we cannot be together forever, but I don’t want to lose the connection with my friends, and I don’t want to lose that support.

In order to get a better idea of who I am and what I want out of life, I’ll eventually have to leave the place where I am most comfortable.  It’s scary, and I’ll admit that I’m one big scaredy cat!  But from what I’ve heard “your life begins, where your comfort zone ends,” and my first step to making that happen is embracing what scares me, and walk through the door.

What Do You Want To Do?

So…I still don’t know what I want to do when I “grow up.”  Right now, my biggest worry is whether or not I get to eat ice cream for breakfast.  You might think that it’s kinda dumb, and if I wasn’t in such a “positive” mood, I would agree with you.  However, I’m not going to…today.  It’s not dumb, because it’s what’s important to me at the moment.  Woah, for those that know me, look how much I am progressing by this whole living-in-the-moment kind of mindset.

I know what I want to do, ie. sleep, eat ice cream all day, shop on a million dollar shopping spree…but career wise?  Hmmm, give me a sec…

23 years later…

Yup!  Still trying to figure it out.  It’s even harder when I’m still trying to figure out who I am.  I have found comfort in the fact that there are a lot of other people that don’t know what they want to do, but I was hoping for a little more direction in my life at this point.  When a good amount of the public ask me what I want to do and I say “I don’t know,” their next question is always “Well, what do you like to do?”  I like to do a lot of things!  But I don’t know if those things are “things” I would still like to do in the future.  Or would benefit me career wise.  I’m a very indecisive person.  My opinions and likings about things often change (except when it comes to the color Orange.  I love Orange!  It seriously is…the new black).  So how do I expect myself to know what I want to do for the rest of my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I have involved myself in various activities that I thought would help put me on the right path, but I somehow end up not enjoying any of them.  It always turns out to be boring, and then I start to question if this is something I want to continue doing every single day.

I want my life to be exciting!  I dream about being a superhero!  I want to show off some really cool martial arts moves and show others that I’m not ordinary.  But it’s only a dream, because who really has the time to plan out a science experiment that goes wrong, where I fall into a puddle of hazardous material, somehow survive, and wake up with electric powers, or with the ability to turn into silver liquid and transport to anywhere I want (ayyyye, if she doesn’t get that Alex Mack reference…she’s too young for you).

The other day, I was babysitting for a new family.  The mom wanted to know more about me.  She asked the usual questions: “Are you in school?” “What was your major?” and “What do you want to do with that major?”  And my answer went something along this line, “I don’t know.  I’m still trying to figure it out.”  She then responded with something, that I believe will stick with me forever (well knowing my indecisiveness, I don’t know/haven’t decided if this is something that I want to have stick with me forever…because it could either go good or bad).  She said “You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.  People change their careers on an average of 7 times throughout their lifetime.”  These words quickly made me feel better.  However, it still made me feel like I was running out of time.  Plus, I don’t know how long my lifetime will be.

I think I have about 4 more tries left to change my career (if you count working as a Sales Associate, a Babysitter, and a volunteer at the Natural History Museum [I seriously thought I wanted to work in a museum my whole life.  Turns out, it’s not for me] as careers).

I feel like it’s easier for those who appear to have it all figured out, to tell you that you don’t have to have it all figured out this instant.  But at the same time, I feel the pressures of society pushing me to believe that I have to know who I am and what I want to do right nowwwwww, because if I don’t start working, I won’t ever be happy.

Ugh, but I don’t know…

Current Mood: Laughter

I like it when I make people laugh.

It makes me feel good knowing I’m responsible for making others feel good.  At the same time, those peoples’ laughter feed into my ego.  I really start to think that I’m actually a funny person (not funny looking, but I’ll give you that one).  But am I really?  Should I try hard to be “funnier” (under the impression that I am, at least, a little funny already).

There are multiple instances when I just don’t see it. For example, on a regular basis people laugh at what I say and I’m just like, “That wasn’t meant to be funny” (but I say that in my head, of course).  By all means, laugh!  Please.  I don’t want to ruin the mood.  Plus, I’m trying to soak up every opportunity I get, whether or not what comes out of my mouth was actually supposed cause laughter.  I myself enjoy laughing, so I don’t want to make it stop.  I especially love laughing because I know the harder I laugh, the closer I am to getting those rock hard abs.

Now I’m really worried…Could it be that I’m not funny at all, and I just so happen to come across people with a really bad sense of humor?  At certain points in my life, when others start laughing at me (or with me? I always forget which one you want to have), I start to think that they’re only laughing because their humor might be off…which makes it appear that my humor might be on…? Omg, this concern is so petty.  I even blabbled about it for so long too.  Is this something that I can consider one of life’s dilemmas?  Am I allowed to have these feelings?  Is this what people mean about having low self-esteem?  I’m starting to lose all confidence in myself.  What is life?  Who am I??

I’m So Happy

I’m officially a part of the club!  Here is my first post 🙂  Ohhh, ending that previous statement with an emoji and NOT a period is a big deal for me.  I am always told that I text with no emotion, and it gets misinterpreted as me being mad, or something.  But I can assure you, I am not.  I just like to text, type, twitter, and nooowww… *drum roll please* …blogggg, etc. in full sentences.  With that, comes the usage of many many periods.  I tried to think reeeeal hard as to why I like typing in full sentences, but couldn’t figure out a legit reason…or did I?  Could it be that I know it annoys my friends?  So the more I continued to annoy them with it, it just became a habit, and now I subconsciously end everything with a period, whether or not I am actually happy in the message I am sending them??  Or could it be that when I do include an exclamation point, or an emoji, my friends will appreciate it even more, because they’ll know for sure that what I am feeling is real?  Or could it just be that I like the mystery?  Because who…

What’s even better is when you don’t end with a punctuation mark at all.  Now that’s something up for interpretation