“…but you’re having fun.”

I went out to Downtown recently, and it ended up being a really fun night.  Or at least, that’s what my friend told me.  Apparently, this is how the night went:

*dancing in a bar*

My friend who came Downtown with me: Megan, we are leaving.

Me: Don’t leave me!

Friend: *places both hands on my shoulders, looks me in the eyes, and says calmly* …but you’re having fun.

Me: …OK!

*friend leaves, and I’m left dancing Downtown by myself*

In her defense, I am a person who is easily influenced.  This is one thing I know quite well about myself.  But I’m not sure how to change it, or if I should change it.  Because in some ways, it makes me look like I give people the benefit of the doubt.  In other ways, it makes me look like a complete idiot, and then I find myself in really uncomfortable situations.


The Day I Was Promised A Bunny

tbtWhen I was 9 years old, my family and I went to a pumpkin patch.  The pumpkin patch had a petting zoo.  Actually, it was more like a petting farm, because it was basically a gated area with lots of farm animals.  Besides the typical goats, this “petting farm” had rabbits.  Dwarf bunnies to be exact.  I remember holding one in my arms and it fell asleep.  At that point, I knew I wanted a bunny for a pet.

There I am to the left, holding the bunny from the petting farm in my arms.  Now that I look at it closely, the bunny looks scared.  Maybe it pretended to fall asleep, in order to calm itself down from the anxiety of being held by a kid.

I asked my mom if I could get a pet bunny of my own.  She said that if I learned about bunnies and how to take care of them, I could get one.  So I found myself at the library researching all the books I could find about bunnies and how to take care of them.  I photocopied all the books I found (I guess I didn’t know what a library card was, because I could’ve just helped save the environment for my future kids by checking out the books and taking down notes on recycled paper or something).  After all that research, I decided that a floppy eared bunny was the bunny I wanted to get.  I knew that I wanted to have a boy bunny, and name him Pinocchio (I also had this slight obsession with Pinocchio at the time.  I owned 3 different types of Pinocchio marionettes, a small Pinocchio figurine, and a Pinocchio pencil holder…yes, when I like something, I end up going all out).

I did it!  I had done my research.  You could call me a pro at this point.  I was ready to be a pet owner…

In the end…after alllll this…I never got my bunny.

What Do You Want To Do?

So…I still don’t know what I want to do when I “grow up.”  Right now, my biggest worry is whether or not I get to eat ice cream for breakfast.  You might think that it’s kinda dumb, and if I wasn’t in such a “positive” mood, I would agree with you.  However, I’m not going to…today.  It’s not dumb, because it’s what’s important to me at the moment.  Woah, for those that know me, look how much I am progressing by this whole living-in-the-moment kind of mindset.

I know what I want to do, ie. sleep, eat ice cream all day, shop on a million dollar shopping spree…but career wise?  Hmmm, give me a sec…

23 years later…

Yup!  Still trying to figure it out.  It’s even harder when I’m still trying to figure out who I am.  I have found comfort in the fact that there are a lot of other people that don’t know what they want to do, but I was hoping for a little more direction in my life at this point.  When a good amount of the public ask me what I want to do and I say “I don’t know,” their next question is always “Well, what do you like to do?”  I like to do a lot of things!  But I don’t know if those things are “things” I would still like to do in the future.  Or would benefit me career wise.  I’m a very indecisive person.  My opinions and likings about things often change (except when it comes to the color Orange.  I love Orange!  It seriously is…the new black).  So how do I expect myself to know what I want to do for the rest of my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I have involved myself in various activities that I thought would help put me on the right path, but I somehow end up not enjoying any of them.  It always turns out to be boring, and then I start to question if this is something I want to continue doing every single day.

I want my life to be exciting!  I dream about being a superhero!  I want to show off some really cool martial arts moves and show others that I’m not ordinary.  But it’s only a dream, because who really has the time to plan out a science experiment that goes wrong, where I fall into a puddle of hazardous material, somehow survive, and wake up with electric powers, or with the ability to turn into silver liquid and transport to anywhere I want (ayyyye, if she doesn’t get that Alex Mack reference…she’s too young for you).

The other day, I was babysitting for a new family.  The mom wanted to know more about me.  She asked the usual questions: “Are you in school?” “What was your major?” and “What do you want to do with that major?”  And my answer went something along this line, “I don’t know.  I’m still trying to figure it out.”  She then responded with something, that I believe will stick with me forever (well knowing my indecisiveness, I don’t know/haven’t decided if this is something that I want to have stick with me forever…because it could either go good or bad).  She said “You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.  People change their careers on an average of 7 times throughout their lifetime.”  These words quickly made me feel better.  However, it still made me feel like I was running out of time.  Plus, I don’t know how long my lifetime will be.

I think I have about 4 more tries left to change my career (if you count working as a Sales Associate, a Babysitter, and a volunteer at the Natural History Museum [I seriously thought I wanted to work in a museum my whole life.  Turns out, it’s not for me] as careers).

I feel like it’s easier for those who appear to have it all figured out, to tell you that you don’t have to have it all figured out this instant.  But at the same time, I feel the pressures of society pushing me to believe that I have to know who I am and what I want to do right nowwwwww, because if I don’t start working, I won’t ever be happy.

Ugh, but I don’t know…

Current Mood: Laughter

I like it when I make people laugh.

It makes me feel good knowing I’m responsible for making others feel good.  At the same time, those peoples’ laughter feed into my ego.  I really start to think that I’m actually a funny person (not funny looking, but I’ll give you that one).  But am I really?  Should I try hard to be “funnier” (under the impression that I am, at least, a little funny already).

There are multiple instances when I just don’t see it. For example, on a regular basis people laugh at what I say and I’m just like, “That wasn’t meant to be funny” (but I say that in my head, of course).  By all means, laugh!  Please.  I don’t want to ruin the mood.  Plus, I’m trying to soak up every opportunity I get, whether or not what comes out of my mouth was actually supposed cause laughter.  I myself enjoy laughing, so I don’t want to make it stop.  I especially love laughing because I know the harder I laugh, the closer I am to getting those rock hard abs.

Now I’m really worried…Could it be that I’m not funny at all, and I just so happen to come across people with a really bad sense of humor?  At certain points in my life, when others start laughing at me (or with me? I always forget which one you want to have), I start to think that they’re only laughing because their humor might be off…which makes it appear that my humor might be on…? Omg, this concern is so petty.  I even blabbled about it for so long too.  Is this something that I can consider one of life’s dilemmas?  Am I allowed to have these feelings?  Is this what people mean about having low self-esteem?  I’m starting to lose all confidence in myself.  What is life?  Who am I??