Personal

The Way I Feel Is Inevitable

Before the start of my sophomore year of High School, I told myself that this would be my year. The year where I would be more outspoken, and show others that in one summer I had transformed into this confident lady.  But the truth was, I just wanted to prove to myself that I could be like everyone else: have an opinion, be heard, get noticed.  Because in reality, I did not have anyone to prove this new and glorious self to.  If I was not heard or noticed the year before, how could my fellow sophomore class know that my quiet and dry personality had evolved exponentially?

The first step was to participate in class more.  However, that did not work out so well.  This is because in all of my classes, I had no idea what was going on.  Every question that the teacher asked, I had no idea how to answer it.  If I did, there was always someone else who would speak up before me and steal my answer! (because mind-readers exist).  Or, if I did know the answer, I would end up being wrong.  For example, in one of my classes we were playing Jeopardy.  A question was stated and I knew the answer!  This was it, I would win it for my team and get noticed, be seen.  I shot up my hand so hard into the air that my desk fell forward, taking me with it, and I hit the ground with a huge “thud.”  Everyone looked at me, waiting for my answer, not caring that I had just flipped over in my desk.  I answered the game question, which ended up being wrong.  Moral of the story: Don’t participate in class.

Second semester of sophomore year, I decided to tryout for the school’s dance team.  The dance team was filled with popular girls and because I made it, I thought I had become one.  But I was just seen as the extra dancer in the back.  And in the dance team yearbook photo, everyone’s name was printed under the group picture, except mine.  I took it personally, but I guess I wasn’t that hurt about it.

As High School continued, so did I.  But this time I stopped trying to prove things.  Instead, I just went through the motions.  Not because I believe you don’t always have to prove something to yourself or others, but because others could sense when you’re trying too hard.  It’s like everyone is Spider-Man and has their spidey-senses tingling.  High School is a time where everyone wants to fit it, and I was trying so hard to fit in everywhere.  I was trying to be like everyone else, and wasn’t getting anywhere.  So might as well stay unnoticed, but as me.

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How To Fail At Everything

A day in my life.  Today: Septemeber 15th, 2015.

I woke up.

I went to work.

I was verbally abused by an 8 year old (tried disciplining him, but got “cursed” at in the end (with off brand curse words an 8 year old is “allowed” to use appropriately).

I drove to 4 Starbucks’s after work so I could study…they were all full.

Bought myself a sub sandwich when I shouldn’t have…

I waited in my car at a parking lot before dance class started, and this girl next to me, opens her door, and hits the side of my car.  I walk out so she could see me, but she starts smoking weed and drives off.  Now I have a scratch on the side of my car.

The End

Using The System To My Advantage

Screen Shot 2015-08-27 at 12.32.49 PMI recently read an article about things retailers don’t tell you.  I’ve worked in retail, so I thought I would know everything on that list.  Turns out, there are some things I didn’t know.  Okay maybe not some things, just one thing that I did not know.  That is that the cameras in the store can recognize your face.  Once recognized, it keeps track of how much you purchase in the store, how many times you visit, etc.  This got me scared.  Honestly, I don’t want people to know my shopping habits.  Especially in Sephora.

Sephora is the place where I try to score free samples, err I mean, get samples of things I want to try out.  Because seriously, who has the time and money to go out and buy every new thing and try them out, only in the end to possibly return those items because they break you out, or it smells weird, but then you get super lazy to go back to the store to actually return the items, and then they just sit in your bathroom, untouched?  It’s like free money you can’t have.  However, if I were to be completely honest, I don’t always get samples of things that are new.  I usually get samples of things I have tried before and know that I love, because I don’t feel like paying for that whole bottle of face wash for $25.

When I go to Sephora, I have to be strategic.  I have to space out my visits, and make sure I ask for samples from workers who don’t remember me, or who have never seen me before.  Occasionally I buy the $12 moisturizer (which is amazing and THAT is totally worth my money!) so that no one gets suspicious.  But no matter how sneaky I think I’m being, after reading that article about the cameras, I am positive everyone in that store (and at both locations) knows who I am.  I bet they have a picture of my face in their break room that reads, “Watch out for the free sampler girl.  Contact your MOD if you see her.”  So whenever I walk into a Sephora and the workers smile at me and say “hello,” I don’t know if it’s because they have good customer service skills, or they’re simply letting me know that they know who I am, that they know what my intentions are, and that they’ve got their eyes on me.

Overthinking: Good or Bad?

Just a little update on where I’ve been, other than stressing over the fact that I’m trying to find myself a full time job, because I want those benefits, man!  Recently I blogged about leaving an interview unsatisfied with my performance.  Turns out, I was overthinking it, because I got the part time job!!  I’m totally stoked, and after after the fact, I now see that I had nothing to worry about.  Talk about an ego boost.  But now I’m overthinking the way I’m thinking.

Is it bad that I’m telling myself “see, you had nothing to worry about,” because I got the job, when in that moment when I left the interview, I was totally beating myself down?  I know it seems like I’ll never be happy, but I want to be there for myself.  I want to be there not only when something good happens, but also when something bad happens.  I want to make sure that I can tell myself “you have nothing to worry about,” or “everything is going to be okay,” even when I feel (or it seems) like it’s not going to be, and believe it.  Overthinking things can be good or bad.  It’s there so I can be dramatic about my life, and practice “the struggle” for when I get my own reality TV show.  But honestly, I hope that one day, with my ability to overthink things, I can keep up the confidence in myself to be successful in anything I do.

After The Fact

I went to an interview at the beginning of the week, and of course they ask me a question where my answer left me uneasy and unsatisfied. They asked “What is one thing you know more about than anyone else?” Of course my answer was lame (and I do not wish to repeat it, because I am so embarrassed).

A week later, I’m still thinking about that question, and NOW I have an answer that showcases my interests and who I am. It is the most perfect and truest answer: “I know a lot about at-home facials and how to create a skincare routine, than anyone else.” BAM! That would’ve made me stand out, and be unforgettable. Now I AM, forgettable, and I just blend in with everyone else.

“Oh Lord, Know Yourself, Know Your Worth…”

Beside 0 to 100’s opening line being profoundly deep, it really is difficult to know one’s own self and one’s own worth.  I’m pretty sure that we can all agree that ohhhh Lawd, the journey to reaching that point when we realize who we truly are, and are happy with that, is rough.  I’m still trying to reach that point, if there ever is an end to this madness.  I hope so.  I reaaaally hope so.

It’s like I find ways to remind myself just how werrrthy I am, and that I should be confident in myself.  For example, a week ago (no, no shmoney dance) the team I had danced with for a whole year had their banquet.  We were each given back the letter we had written to ourselves at our first meeting.  When I opened up the letter, I just laughed.  It was ridiculous and cheesy!  But I decided to keep it.  I still have the letter, because a tiny tiny part of me wants to believe in it.  I want to trust in the “words of wisdom” I gave to myself on that very first day, even though I might’ve not believed in them then, but hoped I would now.

It’s like I already know myself, and my worth.  It’s like subconsciously I am aware of it, and my conscious self just has to find it.  Woah…talk about meta!

The Struggle Is Real

I’m starting to do that creepy thing again.  No, not where I reach that awkward part of YouTube!  Geeze, that was last week!  I’m talking about stalking old high school peops via LinkedIn.  It rarely crosses my mind to follow up on what others are doing via Facebook.  I’m all obsessed with everyone else’s HASHTAGwhatsyourbigboyjob type of life now.  I think I’m more so obsessed, because I’m trying to find one myself.  You know, that good ‘ol full time job.  I want those benefits, man!

It’s a little sickening at times, because all I begin to do is compare compare compare.  And then things in my life start to become a competition with little Miss So-and-So, when she doesn’t even know who I am, or that we are in a competition, or that there is no real prize for the winner but pride…and possibly a cookie…mayyybe even a little dance party.  It’s so easy for me to justify all the things I have not done or accomplished, by putting down others…and that gets me nowhere but to the music store, where I purchase the tiniest violin, and find someone who knows how to play the violin, so they can play it for me…or maybe I should invest in a music teacher.  It gets a little difficult trying to motivate myself, without any external factors getting in the way.  I want to genuinely do things and accomplish things for myself.  I don’t want to do something, because it’ll make me appear “better” when compared to blank.  I don’t want to be superficial, and it’s a struggle I come across every day.

It’s so easy though, to make those comparisons.  The social media apps are right there at my finger tips.  They ask to be open, and they whisper how I’ll never be good enough.  I don’t want them to control me.  I downloaded them.  I made the conscious decision to make those accounts on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc., so don’t tell me what to do!  You don’t own me!  You don’t know who I am!  You don’t know mah lyfe!  (Besides how hard I really try to only post the “good” stuff that will make others perceive my life to be awesome!)

Hiking in a Thunderstorm

 

It’s an hour into our hike, and we (my 2 co-workers and I) begin to hear thunder.  We continue walking up the mountain like it’s nbd, but we hear the thunder again, and it’s even louder.

Co-Worker 1 (A 19 year old college student we’ll call Alisha): Megan.

*the sound of thunder*

Co-Worker 2 (A 26 year old we shall call…Debra): Megan.

*the sound of thunder again, but a little louder than the first time*

Alisha: Megan.  Megan!!

*the sound of thunder and it starts to rain…then pour a few seconds after*

Debra: Megan!!

*the sound of thunder, and then we see lightning (like, it was so close!  It continued to show up in 6 second intervals)

Alisha: MEGAN!!

Debra: MEGAN!!

Megan: What do you want me to do about it? *and I start running* RUN! *And then the two start running down the mountain trail with me*

 

Update: I Didn’t Go Anywhere

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It’s hard to come up with new and exciting posts for a personal blog.  Especially when this personal blog is supposed to showcase my many run-ins with the law…Murphy’s Law.  But the thing is, my life has pretty much been a flatline of events.  Although, I did have run-in with the “law” on July 4th.  But, I’ll just prove to you how strong my writing skills are when I say, it’s easier if I told you about it in person, rather than write it down on paper (or monitor screen).  You know, like one of those moments where you get really lazy, or you just don’t know how to use your words, so you comment with a “you-just-had-to-be-there” type of thing.  This is exactly that.  It’s so hard to explain, but you can just trust it was something I would typically encounter.

Plans for this 2015 summer season?  (I mention summer “season,” because I am no longer in school.  The idea of “summer” no longer exists, therefore, “the limit does not exist!”)  This summer season,  I plan to do more than just work at my job and live vicariously through The Mindy Project…or any post-apocalyptic novel about “the chosen ones” obtaining super powers, and using them to overthrow their evil government.  I plan to shift my attention towards any new movie coming out.  Like all those Marvel films, and hashtag thatnewnew Mission Impossible movie, and live vicariously through those instead!  Basically, I plan to experience more.  I want to go outside of my comfort zone, and hopefully acquire new and exciting content that is worth remembering and writing about.

Here’s to more you-just-had-to-be-there moments!

…or nahh

 

My First Day

I was supposed to start my internship on Friday, but that didn’t happen.  I woke up that day super excited and nervous.  I was also feeling a little bit unsure and incompetent…just all around insecure, but I was ready to get things started.  I was ready to go!

I had a 9-5 shift, so I arrived 10 minutes early.  I waited by these 2 big locked green doors.  I waited there, because I was told that I would see people going in and out of it around 9 o’clock, and they should let me in.  Well…it was 9 o’clock now and I hadn’t seen anyone go in or out of those doors.  So, like any responsible new intern, I gave the office a call…but it went straight to voicemail.  Hmmm.  So I walked over to the administration building.  Maybe I had the wrong number.  Maybe I should Google the office’s reeeeealll number.  Nope!  I had the right number.  Heck, I even had the correct extension number memorized.  Damn, the administration building door was locked.  I looked at the “times of operation” posted on the door and it says they open at 9 am.  I peaked inside the administration’s glass doors and saw nothing.  Hmmm…

I walked back to those 2 big green doors that are supposed to be the entrance to start my internship…but they’re still locked.  So I decided to call the office of my employer one more time.  Still…no answer.  Okay, this is weird.  I took out my planner and checked the dates.  I even used more data to open up my email off of my phone to see if I missed anything.  Maybe…maybe, I thought at that moment, I should back go to the admin building one more time.

I tried the door of the admin building…still locked…

BUT THEN…

An older man with a beard came to the door and opened it for me.

Older Man: Good Morning.  Are you trying to get through those doors (referring to those 2 big locked doors where, apparently, I’m supposed to enter through every Friday).

Me: Did you see me lingering around?

Older Man: I saw you walking back and forth to the administration building, and new people to the park usually think that this is the main office.

Me: I’m trying to get a hold of (Name goes here).

Older Man: I don’t think anyone is in their offices.  The museums are open, but the offices are not.  Let me give (That “name goes here” name, goes here now). *calls the other office* I’m getting voicemail.  It seems that no one is in their offices today, because of the July 4th holiday weekend.

Me: Well, my name is Megan.  I am supposed to start my first day today as the communications intern.

Older Man: Well, that’s bad communication right there…

Ba-Dum Tshhhhhhhh

-_-”