writing

What Do You Want To Do?

So…I still don’t know what I want to do when I “grow up.”  Right now, my biggest worry is whether or not I get to eat ice cream for breakfast.  You might think that it’s kinda dumb, and if I wasn’t in such a “positive” mood, I would agree with you.  However, I’m not going to…today.  It’s not dumb, because it’s what’s important to me at the moment.  Woah, for those that know me, look how much I am progressing by this whole living-in-the-moment kind of mindset.

I know what I want to do, ie. sleep, eat ice cream all day, shop on a million dollar shopping spree…but career wise?  Hmmm, give me a sec…

23 years later…

pixshark.com

pixshark.com

Yup!  Still trying to figure it out.  It’s even harder when I’m still trying to figure out who I am.  I have found comfort in the fact that there are a lot of other people that don’t know what they want to do, but I was hoping for a little more direction in my life at this point.  When a good amount of the public ask me what I want to do and I say “I don’t know,” their next question is always “Well, what do you like to do?”  I like to do a lot of things!  But I don’t know if those things are “things” I would still like to do in the future.  Or would benefit me career wise.  I’m a very indecisive person.  My opinions and likings about things often change (except when it comes to the color Orange.  I love Orange!  It seriously is…the new black).  So how do I expect myself to know what I want to do for the rest of my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I have involved myself in various activities that I thought would help put me on the right path, but I somehow end up not enjoying any of them.  It always turns out to be boring, and then I start to question if this is something I want to continue doing every single day.

I want my life to be exciting!  I dream about being a superhero!  I want to show off some really cool martial arts moves and show others that I’m not ordinary.  But it’s only a dream, because who really has the time to plan out a science experiment that goes wrong, where I fall into a puddle of hazardous material, somehow survive, and wake up with electric powers, or with the ability to turn into silver liquid and transport to anywhere I want (ayyyye, if she doesn’t get that Alex Mack reference…she’s too young for you).

The other day, I was babysitting for a new family.  The mom wanted to know more about me.  She asked the usual questions: “Are you in school?” “What was your major?” and “What do you want to do with that major?”  And my answer went something along this line, “I don’t know.  I’m still trying to figure it out.”  She then responded with something, that I believe will stick with me forever (well knowing my indecisiveness, I don’t know/haven’t decided if this is something that I want to have stick with me forever…because it could either go good or bad).  She said “You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.  People change their careers on an average of 7 times throughout their lifetime.”  These words quickly made me feel better.  However, it still made me feel like I was running out of time.  Plus, I don’t know how long my lifetime will be.

I think I have about 4 more tries left to change my career (if you count working as a Sales Associate, a Babysitter, and a volunteer at the Natural History Museum [I seriously thought I wanted to work in a museum my whole life.  Turns out, it’s not for me] as careers).

I feel like it’s easier for those who appear to have it all figured out, to tell you that you don’t have to have it all figured out this instant.  But at the same time, I feel the pressures of society pushing me to believe that I have to know who I am and what I want to do right nowwwwww, because if I don’t start working, I won’t ever be happy.

Ugh, but I don’t know…

What I’ve Done So Far

IMG_1968This blog has only been up for two days, and I am already experiencing writer’s block.  Not gonna lie, Twitter is my jam!  I never get writer’s block there.  It’s so simple to just type in those one liners (that of course meet the requirements of 140 characters…wait, is it only 140 characters in a tweet?  Brb opening up a tab and double checking Twitter about this…okay, yup! It’s 140 characters) and to press that “tweet” button without hesitation.  There is just so much happening on Twitter that even if you post a tweet and your followers just aren’t really feeling it that day, they can just scroll past it and wait for your next tweet.  Which, in my experience, pretty much will happen approximately 3-5 minutes later.  Twitter is this live feed of events that become easily accessible.  It continues to run, just like our conscience.  But here I feel like I can’t just write, because I find myself thinking waayyyy too hard.

My conscience doesn’t stream, even if I’m just trying to write about my day.  I find it becomes difficult because I have so much freedom.  I don’t have any guidelines or any sort of limitations.  I begin to feel like the pressure is on, even though there isn’t any.  Funny, how when I’m given an open space with the liberty to literally do whatever I want, I’m seriously unable to and I space out.  But at least I’m aware of it.  Woah, at least I am aware that I am aware of it.  Awareness is the first step, and I’ve just become aware of my own awareness.  Would this be considered a mind-blowing moment?

Hmm… well actually, now that I think about it, I tend to encounter such mind-blowing moments on a daily basis (side note: if this occurs regularly, then would they still be considered moments where the mind is blown?).  Now that I have become aware of what the problem is with my writer’s block, I can do something about it.  But to be honest, I always tell myself this.  It’s always been easier for me to notice things, to say what’s up, and to point out every little thing that can be fixed/worked on.  But then I don’t do anything about it.  I’ll just roll with the punches and accept that it is what it is, rather than actually doing something.  I myself already know that “If you hesitate, you don’t get your break.”  See?  I know all this.  But I still find myself not doing anything.  I continue to hold back.  Oh man, I guess me having writer’s block, the fast realization as to why I have writer’s block, and me being left with the choice to do something about it, is a metaphor for something bigger.  A metaphor that reflects how I’ve been living my life.  A life where I know what is wrong, but I don’t do anything.  Whether it be because I am scared and don’t like to take risks, or that I’m afraid of consequences.  Good or Bad.  Eeeyahhhh, maybe I should do something about that.  I am so proud, look how aware of myself I’m becoming!

How did this post start out about writer’s block and then end up reflecting on the way I’ve been living my life?  No idea.  My thoughts tend to be unorganized and all over the place.  One time, my TA on Early Japanese Civilizations commented on my essay final saying, I randomly add pieces of information that contain facts which don’t relate to, or help out, my argument in any way.  Did you know that in Finland you are given a top hat and a sword after you receive your PhD?