security

Stalling On My Adulthood

I like school.  A lot.  But I can’t figure out if it’s whether or not I use it as a security to prevent myself from actually facing the realities of life and a career.  After I graduated college, I moved back home.  I no longer had the financial aid to help me pay my month’s rent, or utilities, or water bill (thank you financial aid!).  It was all gone.  Now I have to use my own money, that I make from babysitting, to pay my cell phone bill, car, and insurances.  Being in school, or more specifically, college, was the best!  It gave me my freedom and independence, without having me work so much for it.

I find it embarrassing having to move back home, that I want to move out already.  No one is forcing me to.  My mother is very generous.  She doesn’t even make me pay rent (which I am super grateful for).  But I want to move out for myself.  I want to move out to prove to myself (okay, and my peers) that I am not a dud or dependent.  I know a lot of people move back home after they graduate, but in reality that is what people like me (who have moved back home), tell others (who have moved back home), to make them feel good about themselves.  And do I feel better about myself?  YES!  But only for a hot moment.

I’m proud of myself, because for the past year, I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do.  I’ve stuck to babysitting, and holding myself back from really finding a legit career.  People tell me, you don’t have to have it all figured out now, but in a way we do.  Or else, we remain stagnant and continue living at home and being miserable because you can’t host a party, because your mom has work in the morning and your siblings are sleeping because they have school the next day.  Oh, right!  Going back to why I’m proud of myself.  I am proud of myself, because I now have something to work for.  The next step is grad school, and in order to get into grad school I need to study for the GRE (then obviously take them…eventually).  It’s nothing big, but it is to me, because I get to go back to school!  And hopefully be able to move out anytime soon.

(Plus going back to school allows me to delay that dreaded and mundane life called adulthood).

This is my next step.  I now have something I can work towards.  Something I can look forward to.  Who knows if what I’m going to grad school for is something that I truly want to do.  But it’s something.  Who knows if this means I will eventually have it all together, but I’ll know when I get there.  I’m tired of trying so hard as to what it is I want to do.  Let me just do something, and hopefully everything else in my life will fall into place.  I’m done chasing what will make me happy, because that’s what I’ve been attempting to do so far, and it has led me to be miserable.  By being realistic, maybe this is me thinking like an adult, but not fully emerged into acting like one.

Advertisements